Sam's Secret
by PigSlay
Summary: With one text from Freddie, Sam and his rivalry changes. Three months into the relationship, Freddie decides he wants to keep fighting. The only escape Sam can find from him is cutting. Based on "Toxic Relationship//Sam and Freddie" on YouTube.
1. Chapter 1: The First Signs

**Sam's Secret**

**Author's Notes: I don't own iCarly or Until We Bleed. This is for MaybeSeddie from YouTube to her "Toxic Relationship" video. It works better if you watch it at the same time.**

**Chapter 1: The First Signs**

I have known Freddie for a while, but looking at this text from him, I'm surprised. "I got a text."

Freddie comes out of his door and smiles. "Who's it from?"

"You," I read it.

"So it is?" Freddie seems amazed I'm just seeing it now.

"You love me?" I ask. Inside my mind I'm laughing, but somehow I know he's serious. "I love you too," I say as I point my cell phone at him. "I've gotta go meet Carly."

I hear him laugh as I leave. It's not the normal 'I hate you' laugh though; it's the 'I love that girl' laugh.

Three months later…

Lights black…

I raise my eyes at him. "Hi."

Heads bang…

"Why are you late?" he asks.

_You're my drug…_

"I was with Carly," I defend myself. Lately, Freddie's been acting… different. I'm not sure if I like this different.

_We live it…_

"What?" he walks up beside me.

_You're drunk…_

"WHAT?!" he repeats, pushing my arm.

What was that for? I think to myself. All I said was that I was late. Isn't everybody late to dates sometimes? He was late to one I scheduled last week, but I didn't get on him for it.

_You need it…_

He can read my expression, and so he apologizes and holds my hand. I'm not really sure if I believe it.

_Real love…_

"Freddie," I say with tears in my eyes. "Why are you mad at me?"

_I'll give it…_

"Ugh," he rolls his eyes. "Nobody's late on my dates!"

_So we're bound to linger on…_

I can't believe Freddie, my beloved Freddie, is getting on my case for just being late to a date. He wasn't like this three months ago.

I could stay, but I don't want to deal with more verbal abuse from my supposed true love Freddie.

"Yeah, you better run!" Freddie yells at me as I walk out. He follows me with more discouraging words. "Because nobody is late for one of MY dates. If they are, they deserve nothing in life. And you better not think about breaking up, or else you'll never find somebody better."

I stop for a moment, and just stare at him with a dead expression. He freezes as well with the same angry expression he had a moment ago.

I stare at him with a face that has so many meanings; sadness, anger, confusion. What has happened to him?

_**We drop the fatal drop…**_

_I remember when we used to play fight. He would smile, I'd smile back. He was always happy the moment I was there. It was the ultimate spark, everything was perfect. What went wrong?_

_**Then love until we bleed…**_

I took his hand and dragged him to dance. I had to be the one to save this relationship until it left me. It's always the girls who are supposed to save it after all, right?

"I'm still mad at you, you know?" Freddie says while he holds my waist during the slow dance.

"I know," I kiss him anyway. It feels just like it did on January 3rd when we had our first kiss. I don't want the love that we've always had to fade.

After all the times we've kissed, all the times we've gone on dates together, why give it up just for one little thing that anybody could have done?

_Then fall apart in parts…_

But apparently he wasn't feeling the same thing. "I don't care. There's the door," he pointed.

"I know where the door is," I say angrily.

"Ah, well how should I know anyway," Freddie comebacks. This whole thing just gets worse by the minute. "You are a girl, their brains rarely develop past cooking and cleaning after all."

Before I can stop myself, I blurt out, "Yeah, how would you know, Freddie? You never know anything." I can't believe I just said that, but there's nothing else left to say. So I leave. "See you in school tomorrow."

_You wasted your times…_

It's been one day, full of a sleepless night, little words to anybody, and rewinding everything that had happened.

I look through my backpack, finding the things he's touched, hoping to find some sort of escape through memories of the past. However, just when I find any little source of happiness, he pulls me away from my backpack.

_On my heart, you've burned…_

"What are you doing?!" He yells.

"Looking through my backpack!" I cry. "Is that good enough for you?!"

He slaps me in the face. It hurts in two ways; it hurt physically, as well as mentally. He has hurt me in every way possible and yet I feel the need to stay. Why is that? I don't know. Is he doing all of this on purpose?

_And if bridges gotta fall, then you'll fall, too…_

"What's going on?" A familiar voice asks.

We both turn to face Carly, whose face is beyond concerned. "Sam?"

The last time Freddie and I said anything about being together, I was telling her how happy I was that I had finally gotten a boyfriend. I had been pretty much jumping off the walls with happiness at her house, she was afraid I was going to jump forever.

Now though, seeing me like this; she doesn't understand. She's probably thinking 'why is Freddie hitting Sam? Aren't they supposed to be dating?'

I know I have to tell her everything. I don't want to though. Even to your best friend, it's hard to admit you're in an abusive relationship. Especially when you love that person more than anything in the world.

**Sam's Secret**


	2. Chapter 2: Carly

Sam's Secret

**Chapter 2: Carly…**

**Author's Notes: I don't own iCarly or Until We Bleed.**

Doors slam…

"You better be back soon!" Freddie calls from behind me.

I close the door, not wanting to open it again. I don't want to say one more thing to him, but at the same time I want to say everything to him. I don't want to let him go, but at the same time I feel like I have to.

I sit down on the couch next to Carly.

"What's going on, Sam?" she asks the moment I sit down. "I saw Freddie hit you this morning, but I thought you guys were so happy together."

Yeah, no chizz Carly, of course you saw us. It wasn't the wind watching us. Sometimes I think Carly is part of a tiny children's show, so she says stuff we already know.

Lights black…

I cry into Carly's arms. "I don't know! Everything started out perfect, but then he for some reason started getting abusive. First he yells at me for being late for a date, then he says I'll never find anybody else that will love me and I just…" I felt like a three year old for crying like this over a boy.

You're gone…

"Aww… Sam," she held me tighter. "I haven't seen you this upset since you were working. You have to break up with him."

"I know," I say, finally agreeing. "I will, I promise." The thing about promises though is even to your best friend, they can be forgotten or broken.

I don't know if I really will keep that promise or not. Because after all that we've been through, the good and the bad, why break up when somebody makes you so happy? All relationships have their fights, but some of those are still together to this day.

As I leave her house, I realize he's gone back to his. I wonder if he's ripping pictures as we speak or writing a story where I die forever.

_Come back, stay gone…_

I go into his room. "Okay Freddie, I've had it. You've treated me like a slave for too long. We have to break up." I can't believe I'm actually doing it. I'm breaking up with the only guy to like me since the break-up with Pete.

It seems like no matter what I do, all my boyfriends end up being mean to me, or I'm mean to them. Jonah cheated on me with my best friend, or tried to, and now Freddie is abusing me physically and mentally.

You know, before we got together, I would've been having the time of my life right now. Insulting him, getting easy revenge, but this time is different. It isn't the old Freddie who I played games with but was there for in the end.

Stay clean…

He's not doing what the dating abuse videos we watched in health class said he would do though. He's not offering to or saying, "Nobody breaks up with me", he's just sitting there with a suddenly sad face.

"Oh," he looks so sad sitting there.

Suddenly, I know I can't do it. As much as I don't want to admit it, he's not going to let me break up with him. Whether he uses words or tears, he's going to always remind me. I start to walk away anyway, doing all I can to hold back the tears.

I need you to need me…

He turns around one more time. The look in his eyes is so fiery I don't know what to think. Am I supposed to say anything else? Am I supposed to try to make things better, or go back to him again? I try to keep walking, but I can't.

So we're bound to linger on…

He grabs my arm and forces me back. "Nobody breaks up with me."

Apparently I was wrong when I thought he was different. I put on the same dead and upset face I had before. I don't know what will happen now, but I have to find some kind of escape.

We drink the fatal drop…

I thought I was smarter than the people out there that tried this. I'm home alone in my room. I've kept this knife for a long time, not knowing its purpose.

Now I know its purpose. I stick it right through my arm, then without a sound, tears fall from my eyes.

This mark of blood is a mark of how I feel inside. Forgotten, betrayed, like I really don't matter to anybody in this world. When did the sky become so red? When did I start to feel so dead? Is love supposed to feel like this? Do all people result to things like this?

I stare at the mark I made by myself, all because of something somebody else did to me. Suddenly, I can't hold it in anymore. I cry to myself, knowing nobody else can hear. Even if somebody else did hear, they wouldn't care.

As I put the knife down, I see somebody at the door.

I don't dare look up. I drink the beer bottles left over from my mom's party last night. This is the stuff people get addicted to? This gross tasting mess? But I decide it's better to drink all this than deal with him again.

It goes down my system, and I feel different. Nothing looks clear; everything seems like a giant magnifying glass. I have to have more of it, so I stuff 2 more down my system. That's all I can take.

They say all this stuff is supposed to kill us with time. I can't wait until that time comes.

Then love until we bleed…

I finally face the door. Look who's there; Freddie! Surprise, surprise.

He rubs his hair. "What are you doing?!"

"I'm cutting, drinking, whatever it takes!" I keep crying. It feels as if an impossible amount of tears are falling down my face onto the ground where they will never be seen again. It feels like in every one of those tears is a peace of my heart, disintegrating forever.

"Whatever it takes to do what?" He points his finger at me in anger.

I can't answer him though. It will just lead to more and more abuse. That's the last thing I want.

"Do what?!" he repeats, angrier.

"To get away from you," I finally say. "You were hurting me inside and out, and so I figured if this is the stuff that kills people I might as well try it out."

"You're the worst girlfriend ever!" he says.

With those five words, he gets into my heart more than he ever has before. After all the things he's done to me, those five words have the worst feeling behind them, like finding out your parents are divorced after 12 years of them trying to hide it.

I feel as if my entire body is one giant glass, and he's the one that broke it. Broke it hard on the floor into a billion pieces that will probably take a billion years to get back together. And probably by then it will have disappeared in the very bottom of a trash dump forever.

I grab my knife and go out the door; he tries to hold on to me, but he can't anymore. I break free of his grasp and go to Carly's house. I only go there long enough to say a final bye, and then put the knife down my chest. "Owww!" I cry, as if it will go on forever.

It feels like bit by bit the world is ending, but really it's just me. Everything is finally zipping apart. All the bad things, as well as all the good.

Little by little, memories flash before me. But only enough memories for everything to disappear. I try to convince myself Freddie will miss me, but I know he's going to be happy. I try to convince myself my mom will miss me, but she'll probably be throwing a party with Freddie on the top of the guest list. Carly might miss me, but in the end I know she'll be happy too.

I close my eyes for the final time, and as they say in all the movies, goodbye cruel world.

Sam's Secret 


	3. Epilogue: At The Hospital

Sam's Secret

**Epilogue: Freddie, Carly, and Spencer at the Hospital**

**Author's Notes: I don't own iCarly or Until We Bleed. This epilogue is written in third person, since Sam is gone now.**

"Is she okay?" Carly asks.

Spencer put on a sad face, knowing the answer but not wanting to say it. He turns to face the doctor, hoping he'll say it first.

"I'm sorry," the doctor says.

So we're bound to linger on, we drink the fatal drop…

At home, Freddie thinks of all the bad things he did to Sam. It was all his fault. He had pushed her, abused her, and mistreated her to the point where she went to the extremes. All he had wanted was for things to be like they were before they started dating, but he took it too far. He was like a bowling ball that kept going and going and going, making all the Sam pins fall down over and over again.

Then love until we bleed…

But things weren't all bad, Freddie reminds himself. He thought of the laughs, the kisses, and the fun they had. She had been so nice to him, and all he is is the monster, the bully, the criminal. In that nightmare Sam had told him and Spencer about, Freddie was the monster eating her soup. But in this case, eating meant destroying and soup meant her heart.

Sam's Secret

**End Notes: I'm sorry if this fic brought tears to your eyes or if you took it as bashing. Because it wasn't meant to be bashing, it was supposed to be a story to the Toxic Relationship video by MaybeSeddie from YouTube (I don't own that video either). I hope you somewhat enjoyed it anyway.**


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